Diaries of an anxious girl

So like many of you out there, I am an anxious child, always was and always will (probably) be. When we are young children, we tend to be more ruthless and more out there, we search to discover and learn about the world around us and sometimes I miss that. Although I am an introvert, I tend to make huge efforts to follow my dreams and take big steps…for some, those steps are of no import, but to me, they are huge accomplishments because the fear and anxiety I go through is unreal. Because of my huge anxiety issues, I ended up with IBS and it’s the worst!!! Stress is a killer yo! I think for many of us, it’s so much easier to hide behind closed doors than putting ourselves out there to be judged.

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It is hard to believe for many that I am an anxious person, because I tend to hide my feelings super well, so well that my poker face can’t be broken. I am hard on giving away anything at all…sometimes, especially in the beginning or our relationship, my husband would get frustrated with me because he couldn’t read me or know truly how I felt. But over the years, I have learned to let my guard down and full let him in, it was hard, but I made it and even though sometime I don’t tell him everything, I would say that the progress I have made is tremendous. It’s all partly because of him really, my husband helped me get through a lot of self-confidence issues I have had in my life and has made me fall in love with myself as he fell in love with me. He made me accept my flaws and work with them for the better. He doesn’t judge me but instead takes the time to guide me and push me out of my comfort zone. I truly am the luckiest girl in the world.

This doesn’t mean that I am over my anxiety, on the contrary, I feel like since moving to Palestine, it got worst. I was afraid to leave the house on my own, go shop on my own or be anywhere in public on my own. If I had a meeting or an event to go to in Palestine, I would start thinking about it for weeks beforehand and then go through sleepless nights dreading for the day to arrive. I, sometimes, made excuses to avoid going to certain meetings because I was so anxious; I would have really bad knots in the pit of my stomach, which led me to eating less, sleeping less and stressing more. Ugh, sucks!

I remember when we used to go to public places when I was younger, my mum would get frustrated with me when I was impatient and wanted to go home, I would try to explain to her how I felt, but she couldn’t get me…I guess the language barrier was much too strong. But reflecting on it now, perhaps I didn’t need to be as nervous or uneasy with life but I couldn’t control it.

This anxiety has given me a clear title in many of my social circles…I was either known as the bitch face, the conceited girl or the ice queen. I wasn’t proud of those titles but I never felt like I should defend myself because it was pointless. The first impression I always gave off was bad and perhaps this is why I struggled to make any friends in Palestine. I never intend to be that way and for those suffering with anxiety know what I mean. I am socially awkward and that I know I have tried to be more open and less rigid when attending public event. Working with a huge group of people and in the fashion industry has given me the chance to improve my social skills. I think, as long as we try to do our best and improve, that’s all the matters. And no matter what, do not listen to other people’s negative comments; you’re full of yourself, you’re bitchy, you’re dry….just let it go, because those who don’t have anxiety don’t know how real the struggle is, to get out of the house sometimes is so stressful I want to pass out.

I remember cancelling many events and outings with friends because I was dreading the whole going out in public part. I always prefer staying home, curled in the comfort of my sheets and the comfort of my room. I realize now how stupid I was for not taking more chances in my life, will I call it regret, absolutely not! Because I still did a lot and accomplished so much. However, there are opportunities that I never took because I was too afraid to take them and let my self-doubt and anxiety take over; working for Cirque du Soleil or working for Maire St-Pierre or even opening a store…those were some of the major let downs that I went through in my adult life. Even starting a blog was a dreadful task for me, I love writing and wanted to do it a long time ago, but I couldn’t because I was too anxious from the response I would get. My sister pushed me to finally go through with it and I am forever grateful! Regardless of what happened in the past, I still have my own fashion line, my vintage online shop, got through many TV interviews and went on insane travels. But most of all, I moved continents, to an unstable place; to be with the man I love…that to me is brave! I am not going to lie about how much of a battle I went through to do that move and how many panic attacks I got…but I finally did it and this is a story I will tell my little child over and over again to help her be the strongest woman she can be and to push herself and explore the universe and to leave her mark for others to see.

Despite my “issue” I always was a doer and never a follower, I always wanted more for myself and had too many ambitions. So, at the end of the day, I think what helps me most with my anxiety is to surround myself with people I love and who push me to get out of my comfort zone. Even if I am afraid, I still want more…besides LIFE BEGINS AT THE END OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. So, get out there and do what you want to do, even if you’re anxious, because we only live once!

Living in Palestine: a year in review.

It’s a year, exactly tomorrow, since I moved away from home, the only home I have ever known. Montreal was pretty much my sanctuary; I was free to do what I wanted, whenever I wanted. I know that life isn’t about just that, but I felt free to express myself even though I was an outcast due to being part of a visible minority. I felt more myself in Montreal than I do here in Jericho to be completely honest. This post is to share my story and my transition into living in the Middle East…more precisely Palestine. First of all, whenever people ask me how it has been, I simply say that it was the hardest year of my life…not because I didn’t have all the goods or all the money or all the materials in the world, but mostly because of how easily I seem to have lost my true sense of self. It is probably hard to understand for many because I am an Arab, I should easily fit in…but on the contrary, I was and will continue to be an outsider and that people remind me of every day.

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One of the main issues that had me so depressed was the fact that due to political unrest and issues in this country, I ended up losing my Canadian citizenship here and was treated just as those poor stateless citizens, which is fine by me (now at least), but I will not lie and say that I took it with a grain of salt. I felt like I lost a big part of my identity. I was not used to be stopped and interrogated and watched and followed. I felt alone and hopeless. Being away from my family felt hard and not having much here made me depress even more. Nothing seemed to cheer me up and for the longest time, I buried myself at home and didn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere. I wasn’t interested in making friends or going out with my husband even. Besides, It wasn’t even easy making friends, girls can be so vicious and hurtful sometimes, it’s scary. I was considered an idiot because I didn’t spend all my waking time painting my nails or brushing my hair. There was no girl power to say the least…that made me realize how lucky I was back home to have my girl squad by my side. My girlfriends helped shape me and push me out of my comfort zone. They lifted me up when I was down and I did the same with them. That to me is pure gold! Therefore, I guess what I am trying to say is that my experience here in Palestine further pushed me to stay safe in my own house at all times. Months passed and losing myself seemed more easy; I let everyone use me, abuse me and step over me.

I couldn’t for the life of me find a job to keep myself occupied…like no one wanted to hire me!!! They all knew I had the qualifications, but for some reason everyone seemed threatened by my baggage. I never wanted to take anyone’s place, I just needed a job to keep me busy and occupied. Unfortunately, everything I tried but I failed, miserably. I felt ashamed, hurt and very much incompetent. I know it really wasn’t my fault, but I couldn’t help but think that I sucked at life pretty much. I couldn’t even get a volunteering gig because I seemed too nice and by that, I mean, I was probably hiding something (totes wasn’t). Adjusting to my new life was quite difficult, but I did it anyway because I was at least with the man I love. Then when light seemed to appear at the end of the tunnel, I worked in a tourist area for a good three weeks only to have the owner not pay me anything. It has been seven months now since stopping that job and still got no money from them…every time something bad happened to me, I kept saying I deserve it; it’s what happens when you’re nice; which ended up pushing me into my sinkhole further down. I think I ended up being harsher on myself than others were. I mean yes I was labeled as an outsider, but for some reason my will to keep fighting has faded and I was completely unhappy with the life I had. If it wasn’t for my husband being by my side, my depression would have been tremendous. I went to other touristic related jobs, here in Jericho, only to be told that I needed to remove my veil. Like why??? I never removed it in Canada and worked pretty much my entire life, why would I remove it now??? It was such a struggle for me to find any job that I gave up on that and that led me to feel like a failure to humanity.

I am not saying it was all bad, life is certainly difficult for many people here and I am thankful that what I went through wasn’t as hard as what others go through, but never in my life have I felt completely alone as I felt here in Jericho. I asked for help only to be rebuffed brutally. I tried to make my surrounding better but I was laughed at for caring for stupid things such as the environment, charity and kindness. People are so oppressed here that they lost all sense of care for others in their own community. No one has the time to be socially charitable, which is very sad because I know it’s not their fault but that doesn’t have to stop them from holding on to what’s right. I think this is what bothered me the most in my stay here, not finding someone with the same values as me made me sick to my core; so sick that I too wanted to be evil. Twisted, I know! I felt like everything I learned from my mother and family no longer had a meaning.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even though life hasn’t been easy for me here, I am thankful for having went through what I went through because it showed me to be even more grateful for what I have in my life; my family and friends are more important than any amount of money one can have. Living simply and modestly is even more of a mission to me than it was before; being around the people you love is enough to keep you happy abundantly. Life is too short for us to waste our time to fight for titles, positions and social/political status. It is all meaningless!! Just be content and satisfied with what you have in front of you, and then life is so much sweeter!!!! I would never have made it through without my loving, understanding, selfless husband. I have been hard on him many times through my stay and was probably my punching bag but never did he ever complain about my stinky attitude and for that I am truly and utterly indebted. So, even though this year was hard, I think I came out stronger and more focused to remain humble and happy.

See, no one pushed me to go through with this change or with this adventure, but taking the chance was worth it in the end, because the love I have for my husband is endless. I will treasure this year in my heart and use it as a guide to lead a life of yes! I will follow my dreams relentlessly and ensure that every moment goes by with a purpose; never wasted and never meaningless. I know that many might judge me for being somewhat open about my experience here in Jericho, but this is my side and I stand by it!

The 5 things I learned from my mom.

In lights of mother’s day…which was yesterday, I wanted to write a little blog about the things I learned from my mum growing up. I can safely say that my mum is my hero, I look up to her so much and I couldn’t be more blessed to have her in my life. Whenever anyone asks me who my idol is, I always say it’s my mum, as cheesy as it may sound, but it is super true. My mom raised five rascals on her own, well we weren’t really rascals, but sometimes (rarely) we gave her a hard time. My dad shipped us and dropped us in Canada when the Gulf war started and it was a little overwhelming for all of us. I was only 7 when we moved to Canada and it was so surreal for me. I was confused and quite honestly I felt abandoned by my dad. Long story short, we couldn’t get to higher education where we were because we were immigrants and my parents being both university graduates, they wanted to offer us the same opportunities as they had, so Canada was obviously was the fitting option. My dad said that it was only for a couple of months until things settled down back in the Gulf region, but a year passed and two and three until it has been over 30 years being there. So basically, my mum was stuck learning a new language, trying to provide for us by working full-time and raising us and helping us with school. My mum gave up a lot to get us where we are today. I am humbled and touched by how much she has given us and today I want to pay tribute to her and share what she has taught me.

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1-Being kind and humble

Amongst her friends and acquaintances, my mom is known for being overly kind. She often times puts herself before others. She always has that when slapped give the other cheek kind of attitude. We (my sister and I), for the longest time, followed in her footsteps and I wouldn’t have it otherwise. I know it sounds kindda petty, but I would rather be kind and taken advantage of than hurting anyone. Although, today I am more wise and try as much possible not to be naïvely kind (hard but doable). Being humble was super important for my mom, I wasn’t the most humble teen I must say, I had attitude problem and sometimes borderline selfish. My mom would always tell me to avoid looking up to the sky, because I would stumble onto something, then fall and hurt myself. She always told me that to be better than others; I must stay humble and kind and not be a show off. I had a hard time to adjust really, but she showed me balance. Kindness gives me peace of mind and helps me live life happier and better. My mom takes care of everyone, so much so that she forgets about herself. I feel like giving her millions and telling her I love you daily isn’t even enough for how much she has given us. I feel like being kind and being humble goes hand in hand and these both help you live a modest but very wonderful life.

2-Being strong

Through her attitude and her way of being, my mother was always the strongest woman I have known. She was a trooper, always battling and always running after what she wanted to be able to provide us with the best possible. She had a horrible job and was super underpaid, but she stuck by it, because she had to, then she ran to English school and then finished up with French school. During the winter times, when we didn’t have car, she would carry boxes of grocery over her shoulders to make sure there was food on the table for us to eat. Yes, perhaps she wasn’t all that present in our lives, but we knew that she did that all for us, so we didn’t complain that much. My mom, for as long as I remember, has had loads of hardship and many humiliating moments in her life, but despite it all, she always kept her head high. Yes, I have seen her cry many times, but I never took that as a sign of weakness, on the contrary for me that was strength, for her to battle through life and still wear her feelings on her sleeve, that to me is the epitome of bravery. I am quite like my mom actually, and I get it a lot but she truly is one of my best friends and I am proud to be compared to her (even in the slightest way possible).

3-Being charitable

Very much like kindness, this is the core of who my mom is. She makes sure to help others and give back to the community as much as possible. Doing charitable things and giving to those in need is big in our family, thanks to mom. Volunteering could be a part of it; she always pushed me and still pushes me to volunteer if I have a lot of free time on my hands. Put better use to your time, she always says. Donating, whether it is money or food, is a big part of the Muslim religion but sometimes, people don’t apply that in their daily lives. My mom, on the other hand, made sure to instil this in us from a young age and we make sure to donate as much as we can. It almost feels like you live a healthier, happier life in doing so.

4-Forgivness

Forgiving others, no matter how much they hurt you, is key to inner peace. I took that from my mom and some may say I am very naïve but I cannot explain the feeling of letting go, it’s truly magical. Yes I get hurt and get down and beat myself senseless, but forgiveness is much more important to me than revenge. My momma always says, what goes around comes around, so make sure to put good into the world. If someone hurts you, just believe than God is there to help you through and that others will get their punishment one way or another. Move on, let go and keep living life simply. Sometimes, I get sucked into this bitchy, revenge mode, but my heart stops me and the guilt build in. Balance is key and I still got yet to learn, but we always learn till the day we die.

5-Wildness and free-spiritedness

Although she would never admit it, my mom is super adventurous. She likes a little risk and a little danger. She lives on the edge sometimes which is super cool on her part. I remember her telling me stories of her childhood and teen years about some risks she took while following her guts and she is an impressive woman to say the least. She would never ever tell anyone that she likes risk but she’s a silent live it on the edge kinda woman which makes me fall in love with her even more. I would safely say that this is a side I got from mum; being wild and carefree. Although, nowadays, she’s always worried about us and the future even though we’re all settled and married and go about our own lives. She secretly is the type of woman that cannot be tamed. She accommodates, yes, she compromises, but deep down I know that the wild will forever be in her. She always up to trying new things even though they’re scary! And she’s always interested in visiting new places and traveling and meeting new people. Way to go mom!

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Even though this post does her no justice, my mom is the woman I strive to be when I grow older….a little less stressed though, but at the end of the day, she’s given us more than we can ask for and for that I am forever grateful. God has blessed us in more ways than we think, because no amount of money can ever get us the love that we got from her! So for that mom, happy mother’s day, today, tomorrow and forever!!! You are my hero! Heaven truly does lie under her feet!

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To all the moms out there working hard, struggling to make ends meet…keep killing it! You’re doing great xxx

 

 

 

A date with nature…take two!

I find myself spending an incredibly alarming long time on my phone and social media, perhaps because I am not as busy as I use to be or perhaps because I am simply just bored. I could easily stay on my phone for up to 7 or 8 hours a day looking through Instagram, watching Youtube or even just reading articles or blogs. Back home, I use to sit on my phone yes, but not nearly as close as I do now. It’s disgusting how much I have come depend of my phone these days and whenever I go somewhere, I have to have it with me and if I get bored with the people we’re with, I just take my phone out and start scrolling. Not to be disrespectful or anything…but I guess it’s normal for people here to do that. When I first moved here, I was shocked to see how much time people spend on their androids or iPhones. People of all ages on top of it! As early as 18 months!!! Seeing this made me realize I am damaging myself and possibly my child. Family time here is mostly phone time, each person has their phone in their hand and there you have it…that’s socializing! it’s sickening and not in the RuPaul awesome kind of way. You become obsessed and the minute you don’t have your phone in hand, you feel naked and unbalanced. I decided to step on the break and back up a little.

See, I grew up in a home where playing video games or watching TV wasn’t really a thing, we instead spent our weekends reading up books at the library and it was a time we genuinely all looked forward to! I remember reading up all the Noddy, Garfield and Baby-Sitters Club books I could get my hands on. Kinda miss those simple days. Whenever we felt super rebellious, my siblings and I used to watch ice skating for hours on Sundays, cheering up Kurt Browning. I think my sister even had a crush on him! So I thought to myself, why would I want to raise a child that juices up on social media and technology from a young age? Therefore, I have made it my mission, for hubs and I, to spend as much time as possible together outside in nature, especially on his weekend. No phones allowed! Which leads me to today’s post and I am so proud to say that we spent a good 4ish hours outside in nature soaking up some sun. It was absolutely fantastic and hubs and I felt completely re-energized and re-centered.

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We went to this town 10km north of Jericho with our lunch to have a picnic in nature. We wanted to spend a good amount of time outside, just enjoying the view and the water river/lake there. Little did we know the water was all dried up; nonetheless we had a bomb time.

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Water before it dried up a couple of years ago…

 

We didn’t really go into the city of Al-Auja; we went to the outskirts and sat close to the Bedouins, right under a tree and listen to the birds fly by and the music that was playing from other picnic-ers. I mean the place was pretty simple, but it was enough for us to sit together and enjoy each other’s company and talk about everything and anything. We giggled, we laughed, we relaxed and that to me meant everything! Nothing in the world can replace moments like this one.

I think, as humans, we get so caught up on technology and work and life’s tensions that we forget to take a moment to ourselves and connect with nature and it sucks and it’s sad because we take everything around us for granted. I mean even taking a little moment to smell flowers can change up your mood and bring up your spirits. So slow down, unwind and enjoy nature’s bounties!

Four things that cheered me up this month

Since I was feeling down since the beginning of the New Year and felt a bit out of the loop on living life cheerfully and lightly. I am usually a pretty cheerful and positive person but being physically sick ain’t that exciting and I feel like it affects my mental state very much. Since feeling much better physically, I have been on a journey of self-care and I make sure to stay jolly. Every month that passes, I focus on finding little things to keep my spirits high and my mood chappy. Here’s a little list of those things.

Praying (also meditating)

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Being a Muslim, I mean it is required for us to pray 5 times a week…but since moving to Jericho, I have become a little bit more negative than my usual self and i don’t like that side of me because that never was me! I am always the girl that lives in a “delusional” world, where everything is perfect no matter what happens and that when you fall, you can easily get up and move forward. Anyway, to break this ugly and disastrous self-sabotage cycle of loathing, I have turned to mediating and praying. I would do yoga whenever I can but praying has also helped me find inner peace. This isn’t to really push anything down anyone’s throat but I do feel more Zen nowadays. I never took to praying so deeply until passing through some hardship and now I know that it is there for a reason; it keeps us light-hearted and relaxed. I would describe it as doing yoga, really, it’s a 5 minute process that I do 5 times a day and it helps me re-energize and re-center. You sort of disconnected for your troubles and worries and just work on rebuilding your trust in God, in life and in the good things that come your ways.

Florence Welch (& the Machine)

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I have fallen back in love with her music. There’s so much to listen to these days, but I stumbled onto the Dog Days and just remembered how good it was. I listen to other music obviously, but this month I have had Florence and the Machine on repeat and it has been giving me life! I like to blast the music high when hubs isn’t home to dance around a little bit while making dinner. Music can easily and quickly lighten my mood. I don’t usually go for a favourite band (except maybe for Coldplay), but I like to listen to meaningful lyrics and that goes for any genre of music. This month in particular, music has been a good way to keep me active too. So it’s always a win with music.

RuPaul’s Drag Race

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It was a while since I even opened the TV, even if I am home alone, I rarely open it. I don’t feel motivated to sit there and watch it all by myself. I get a little more excited watching with someone else…but going on to Netflix recently, I was curious as to what I could watch…something not too dark and not too serious. I stumbled onto RuPaul’s drag race and that’s where the love started. I binge watched by way up to season 7. It’s so freaking amazing! I am totes in love with this show. The first episode of each season is always my favourite because then you get to see the transformations of each contestant and their reactions to each other. I love how talented some of these queens are; I mean I wish I could do my eye shadow half as decent as they do. I also love how some of them are so talented in sewing and just make beautiful costumes out of nothing. So inspiring! Their will to succeed is touching and exciting to see.

Skincare/Makeup

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Although I don’t usually go ham with it but I love playing with it nowadays. I have mentioned it in my previous post, but skincare/makeup have been keeping me quite content these days. I now find the time to really cleanse my skin and exxfolitate properly and even get some masks done. A little R&R never hurts! Also, there’s something just so satisfying about adding a pop of color on a bland canvas (my face at the moment); seeing the little changes that happen is awesome. Sometimes, I take the time to put some makeup even if I’m at home, just for fun. Because why the hell not?!

 

 

First trimester; things I wish I knew!

13 weeks in now into my pregnancy and I still feel rubbish! I seriously do, I thought that these symptoms would get better, but for some reason, some were a lot worse than before. I wanted to share with you in this post the realities of the first trimester of pregnancy and the things that they don’t tell you in biology class or even at the doctor’s office. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was already 4 weeks in, which was somewhat of a relief, because I had weird headaches and nauseas but never knew what it was. Then after having a crying party, I decided, hey gotta take care of myself and enjoy this process, I mean everyone out there says it’s amazing! So I got to eating healthy and doing my morning yoga and just staying zed and just overall enjoying life with my hubby. Then reality happen and the 5th week in, I felt horrendous and sick all the freaking time!!! So here are the things I wish I knew about the first trimester. Honestly, these are things I wish I knew, everyone’s body is difference and everyone’s pregnancy is different and I salute all of my pregnant ladies out there for having the courage, the will and the power to continue with this journey and for staying strong throughout the whole 9 months. You gals are all my heroes!
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♠ Morning sickness ♠

I wish everyone would just be honest about this one and stop freaking calling in it morning sickness!!!! It isn’t morning sickness, it’s all day sickness and yes, it even happens at night and I did have to get out of bed a couple of times to puke my little heart out! I mean it’s just constant, never ending nausea and it’s starting to annoy the hell out of me. I know that making a human inside of you and carrying a life is such a miracle, and don’t get me wrong, I truly feel blessed to be able to create a human inside of me, but damn does this nausea/vomiting thing take a toll on the body. It almost feels like I lost sense of control on my own body and I am purely directed by my raging hormone levels. Some days, I felt insanely weak; I could barely get out of bed. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t find the energy to be physically present for my husband and that made me feel like a failure. I know it was out of my control, but it was a feeling I had and couldn’t brush it off. I cried constantly because I was tired of feeling tired. I wanted to be my little energetic self again. I wanted to eat because I felt hungry all the freaking time. So, between the 5th and 10th week, I felt like I was stuck in a shit storm and couldn’t get out of it. But I was surviving, day in day out, I decided to not think past the present moment and I think that helped me quite a lot. Week 11 and 12 were meh, I had some break days in between the vomiting sessions, but right now I am back to regularly having to visit the toilet. Trust me, I ain’t looking for a pity party, I am just sharing what I went through and I know that other women have it worst and I feel you sisters! You can do this!

♠ Dysgeusia ♠

My doctor didn’t warn me about this bit but I kinda dislike her for it. It’s basically a fancy term to describe the fact that you constantly have a disgusting metal/mineral taste in your mouth and it affects your sense of taste. It was so strong at first; I couldn’t even eat certain spices or even drink mineral water. It’s so unpleasant but it isn’t the worst part of the first trimester, you simply need to constantly suck on mints and not think of it. Apparently it gets better once you pass the first trimester, but I still have it. Some people say it continues throughout the whole pregnancy, but then again, everyone is different. So here’s to hoping that this does end for me soon!!

♠ Increased sense of smell ♠

You can smell from miles away, it’s insane! Your sense of smell is so heightened that the littlest strange smell that you never cared about before will disturb you to bits! I would say that this was a huge issue for me between week 5 and 10 and I felt so bad because I couldn’t even bare my husband’s natural odour. I felt terrible, because it’s no one’s fault but the raging hormones inside me de-balancing everything…but I would basically sit and sleep far away from my husband because I couldn’t stand his smell at all!!! And he was my favourite perfume of all time before the pregnancy. Le boo! But this too passes and now I don’t mind him hugging me.

♠ Fatigue ♠

This uncontrollable feeling of sleep is so new to me. I mean, I was a little bit of an insomniac prior to my pregnancy and would sometimes go about my days on 3 hours of sleep and sometimes no sleep at all. But right now, I want to sleep all the time, anywhere and everywhere basically. It’s an urge I can’t even fight! It’s so weird and bizarre and even if I do end up sleeping a full 8 or sometimes 9 hours, it isn’t enough. I never used to take naps and now I just fully embrace them, because when baby pops, I know I won’t have much time for sleep. Listen to your body and if you’re tired and need to rest, then just do it and don’t even think about feeling guilty, because guilt is just wasted energy. As for the fatigue, sometimes, well I get up and feel like I can conquer the world and other times I wake up and feel like a 99 year old woman. My joints hurts, my bones hurt and my brain hurts. We don’t realize it sometimes, but physical pain completely affects your mental state and if sometimes can hinder the relationships you have with the closest people around it. I wouldn’t go around and say I’m depressed, I am not far down that way, but I’m sad, because I feel like I’m missing out on a lot of quality time with my husband. And to be completely honest, I sometimes feel alone in this, even though it’s not true. If you do have that feeling, know that there are a lot of women out there who share your feelings. So stay strong, you can do this!

♠ Mood swings ♠

Out of nowhere, I would get angry at my husband. So unfair, I know! Sometimes he would just be sitting in his little corner and I would secretly just hate him (not really…but really). Or sometimes, he would just do some of his regular mannerisms (which I never minded before) and it would piss the hell out of me. Then I would pick at him and just argue with him. Luckily my hubby is very patient with me and understands that sometimes I can’t control myself. I started leaving whenever I felt involuntarily bothered and let my husband be my husband and be content in his little bubble. Once I would calm down, I would go back to him and we’d be good again. I think if you’re aware that it’s just hormones, you’ll be able to control yourself and avoid unnecessary arguments or fights.

♠ Weird pains ♠

Your body is obviously preparing itself for carrying a baby and delivering that baby. Your hips will start to expand and your organs move to make room for the growing human inside you. I thought I would only feel physical pain towards the second trimester but it started early on for me. 6 weeks in and I started feeling throbbing pelvic pains, I wouldn’t say they were awesome, but I definitely didn’t mind them. I usually have a great tolerance to pain and this part of the pregnancy doesn’t bother me much. I can totes live with it. There’s also the sciatic nerve that starts to be uncomfortable and the weird aches and pains in your joints. I wanted to be so active, that sometimes I pushed myself to hard and ended up much more tired than I was before. So I would absolutely recommend that enjoy being lazy, because this isn’t the hardest part, the hardest is yet to come. So if you can’t do the dishes for one night, then screw it, don’t just take your time and focus on staying happy and healthy.

♠ Breathlessness ♠

It’s such a funny one, when I was first pregnant and didn’t know about it, that first month, I thought I was getting old and losing shape or that I had smoked one to many shishas with my husband over the summer. The simple task of getting dressed was dreadful, I would be completely out of breath and didn’t understand why…but then when I found out I was preggo, it was explained to me and it all made sense. Going up the stairs can be hassle, but it’s super funny to me because I am such an athletic person and I am not used to it. But like other symptoms, you learn to live with it and live each moment as it comes.

 

I hope that this post doesn’t sound to negative or too rant-y, but I feel like I needed to share what I felt and how I was disappointed with the expectations versus the realities. The only truth about pregnancies I ever had around me, were my sisters and the freaking movies. My sisters, I am sure, also suffered, but I was much younger and can’t recall much of it, or perhaps, because I was nowhere near having a child of my own, I never cared to take notes. Can we just be completely raw and honest and real about this?! Yes bearing a child is a miracle, but there are untold truths that need to be put into the light and we need to give knowledge to younger women out there that this doesn’t come easy. Movies glamorize the whole process and in my head I thought, yes, I will just be a glow bomb for 9 months and things will be perfect. No they aren’t!!! I want to put it out there and say when I was single, I never thought twice about the truth behind pregnancies and the “side effects” that came along with it. I think it is truly important to stay empathetic and understanding towards pregnant women. They go through a lot of physical changes and it can be daunting on their mental state. So if you have a pregnant woman around you, be supportive and be kind, because she’s creating something beautiful inside and needs all the support she can get!

From workaholic to housewife

For those who know me, they know how hard it is for me to be boxed in or tamed (not that will ever happen—just saying). There were days when I was much younger, when I was really really sick, I would stay home and still work like a trooper and take on projects no matter what. I never wanted to waste a minute of my life. I always wanted to be productive, proactive and use up my time for good. It has been exactly seven months that I moved to Palestine and decided to dedicate my entire life (for the time being) to my husband and work on our relationship. If my younger self would see my now, she’d say WHATT???? I never in a million years ever wanted to get married (True story). Or iron someone else’s shirt, let alone a man’s shirt. I was always that ambitious kid with lists of things to do and projects to conquer. I always told my momma that my job was my husband and that I was fully happy—I truly was fully happy! Working, being independent, having the freedom to whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted–for me that was gold and I never wanted to change that. Well, 2 years ago, my life changed completely; I would not say for the worst or for the better, it simply just changed. Now that I look back, I say that there were times when I felt that something was missing, but I never really took the time to think about what it was.

spring-cleaning-50s-housewife-2

 

I am now 5 months into my new position (housewife); and it’s not all that bad, or at least not as bad as I thought it would be. Marriage is still hard work, maybe even harder than anything I have tried in my entire life. It has taught me a lot about myself and about my husband. There are times when I want to give up, throw the towel and just run and other times, I feel proud to be there for him at the end of the day. I was never the gal who took the time to be in the kitchen to cook a super-giant meal…I mean hello avocado sandwiches and tuna dips, but I can proudly say that now I can put a decent meal on the table.

The first two months of marriage, I was a little crazy, maybe even psychotic, I felt like I wanted to strangle someone, I felt like my life had no meaning. My life was just mediocre. I kept telling myself that getting married was a mistake and that I threw away my life and future. My career was always number one and in those two months, I felt empty, lost and confused. There was a big hole inside of me that I couldn’t fill no matter what. I mean, what was my purpose now? I never wanted to be just another number, I wanted to leave my mark in the world and change history. I needed and wanted to be somebody. In those two months, I literally would pick at little things just to fight with the hubs; I wanted to make him feel shitty for no reason. I wanted to hurt him because I was hurting. Luckily, the man I have is patient and super understanding that this big change was a little hard on me. Coming from a working life (70 to 80 hours/week) to suddenly nothing was a big shock.

I was fighting my demons, trying to figure out the direction I needed to head to. I was constantly crying to let the frustration and anger out because I could never admit to my husband that I felt empty and useless. I could never admit to him that I thought that he was a mistake, because I know that this would literally end him. Sometimes, when we think we have things figured out, we realize we really don’t and then we have to start the work all over again to arrive to the point where we are finally comfortable with what we have and with what we are.

After endless self-inflicted battles and a little honeymoon break, I re-energized and re-centered my focus on the important aspects of my life and in that; having a man that cared for me so much was a blessing. Yes, for the longest time, I didn’t need one (or thought I didn’t), but it honestly depends on how you look at things. Even though my husband is fully Eastern with his thinking, he allows me to develop and better myself all the time. He pushes me to get out of my comfort zone and to try new things, even though they scare me. Sometimes he is overprotective, which is normal I think, but he trusts me enough to go off on my own to figure out what I want. And that I truly appreciate.

Five months in, I settled into the new job and figured that housewife-ing wasn’t so bad after all. I learned a lot about myself… I learned that I too can be a procrastinator, I learned that I was surprisingly pretty amazing at cooking and I that was the queen of my castle. My husband never pushes me to always clean the house and always cook…there are times when he comes in from work to find the house in complete mess, but he forgives me because he’s amazing like that. PS: he sometimes helps me clean it!!! I like playing housewife, it’s kindda liberating actually (in some sort), because you still get to do what you want on your own terms, but in some way, you have someone that depends on you and you depend on. I now manage my time a lot better than I did and work on projects that I care for, along with my other housewife duties. The time I have for myself allows me to differentiate the good, the bad and the ugly. I am much more patient, much happier and surprisingly complete. Hubs always tells me how proud he is of me to be a strong woman and a true born leader.

Sometimes, life throws us some curve balls and we have to sort through them. I figured, I could either continue to be depressed and feel sorry for myself, or just simply live life day by day and enjoy it. I now let my wild side free and I don’t try to suppress it anymore and whatever happens happens because I know that I have the perfect person by my side that will forever keep me grounded. So, after five beautifully emotional months of marriage and housewife-ing duties, I kinda excited about cooking and cleaning—at this point, it’s therapeutic for me.

So here’s to all the housewives out there that keep their cool and calm even in windy storms! I salute you all for the patience and the passion you have to keeping everything in your house in order. Trying it, I know how hard it is and I sure do understand all the responsibilities that come along with this job. Can’t wait to have kids (haha!).