For those who know me, they know how hard it is for me to be boxed in or tamed (not that will ever happen—just saying). There were days when I was much younger, when I was really really sick, I would stay home and still work like a trooper and take on projects no matter what. I never wanted to waste a minute of my life. I always wanted to be productive, proactive and use up my time for good. It has been exactly seven months that I moved to Palestine and decided to dedicate my entire life (for the time being) to my husband and work on our relationship. If my younger self would see my now, she’d say WHATT???? I never in a million years ever wanted to get married (True story). Or iron someone else’s shirt, let alone a man’s shirt. I was always that ambitious kid with lists of things to do and projects to conquer. I always told my momma that my job was my husband and that I was fully happy—I truly was fully happy! Working, being independent, having the freedom to whatever you wanted, whenever you wanted–for me that was gold and I never wanted to change that. Well, 2 years ago, my life changed completely; I would not say for the worst or for the better, it simply just changed. Now that I look back, I say that there were times when I felt that something was missing, but I never really took the time to think about what it was.
I am now 5 months into my new position (housewife); and it’s not all that bad, or at least not as bad as I thought it would be. Marriage is still hard work, maybe even harder than anything I have tried in my entire life. It has taught me a lot about myself and about my husband. There are times when I want to give up, throw the towel and just run and other times, I feel proud to be there for him at the end of the day. I was never the gal who took the time to be in the kitchen to cook a super-giant meal…I mean hello avocado sandwiches and tuna dips, but I can proudly say that now I can put a decent meal on the table.
The first two months of marriage, I was a little crazy, maybe even psychotic, I felt like I wanted to strangle someone, I felt like my life had no meaning. My life was just mediocre. I kept telling myself that getting married was a mistake and that I threw away my life and future. My career was always number one and in those two months, I felt empty, lost and confused. There was a big hole inside of me that I couldn’t fill no matter what. I mean, what was my purpose now? I never wanted to be just another number, I wanted to leave my mark in the world and change history. I needed and wanted to be somebody. In those two months, I literally would pick at little things just to fight with the hubs; I wanted to make him feel shitty for no reason. I wanted to hurt him because I was hurting. Luckily, the man I have is patient and super understanding that this big change was a little hard on me. Coming from a working life (70 to 80 hours/week) to suddenly nothing was a big shock.
I was fighting my demons, trying to figure out the direction I needed to head to. I was constantly crying to let the frustration and anger out because I could never admit to my husband that I felt empty and useless. I could never admit to him that I thought that he was a mistake, because I know that this would literally end him. Sometimes, when we think we have things figured out, we realize we really don’t and then we have to start the work all over again to arrive to the point where we are finally comfortable with what we have and with what we are.
After endless self-inflicted battles and a little honeymoon break, I re-energized and re-centered my focus on the important aspects of my life and in that; having a man that cared for me so much was a blessing. Yes, for the longest time, I didn’t need one (or thought I didn’t), but it honestly depends on how you look at things. Even though my husband is fully Eastern with his thinking, he allows me to develop and better myself all the time. He pushes me to get out of my comfort zone and to try new things, even though they scare me. Sometimes he is overprotective, which is normal I think, but he trusts me enough to go off on my own to figure out what I want. And that I truly appreciate.
Five months in, I settled into the new job and figured that housewife-ing wasn’t so bad after all. I learned a lot about myself… I learned that I too can be a procrastinator, I learned that I was surprisingly pretty amazing at cooking and I that was the queen of my castle. My husband never pushes me to always clean the house and always cook…there are times when he comes in from work to find the house in complete mess, but he forgives me because he’s amazing like that. PS: he sometimes helps me clean it!!! I like playing housewife, it’s kindda liberating actually (in some sort), because you still get to do what you want on your own terms, but in some way, you have someone that depends on you and you depend on. I now manage my time a lot better than I did and work on projects that I care for, along with my other housewife duties. The time I have for myself allows me to differentiate the good, the bad and the ugly. I am much more patient, much happier and surprisingly complete. Hubs always tells me how proud he is of me to be a strong woman and a true born leader.
Sometimes, life throws us some curve balls and we have to sort through them. I figured, I could either continue to be depressed and feel sorry for myself, or just simply live life day by day and enjoy it. I now let my wild side free and I don’t try to suppress it anymore and whatever happens happens because I know that I have the perfect person by my side that will forever keep me grounded. So, after five beautifully emotional months of marriage and housewife-ing duties, I kinda excited about cooking and cleaning—at this point, it’s therapeutic for me.
So here’s to all the housewives out there that keep their cool and calm even in windy storms! I salute you all for the patience and the passion you have to keeping everything in your house in order. Trying it, I know how hard it is and I sure do understand all the responsibilities that come along with this job. Can’t wait to have kids (haha!).